The Wolves News: Episode 11, the final in the Wolves saga, is now ready for reading.
'The Wolves' Abstract
This is the saga of some of the first Americans to stand up to a long-fallen corrupt superpower and empirical giant; their own nation of birth, which had soured many generations past and was now on the brink of total collapse -even more so than its dire economic status indicated to its struggling, spiritually crippled people. Episode 1 introduces the protagonist of this saga.
This is the saga of some of the first Americans to stand up to a long-fallen corrupt superpower and empirical giant; their own nation of birth, which had soured many generations past and was now on the brink of total collapse -even more so than its dire economic status indicated to its struggling, spiritually crippled people. Episode 1 introduces the protagonist of this saga.
The Wolves: Episode 1
Page 1
My life didn’t turn out so well…
Every morning I came back to this shit-hole I was staying in.
I was used to far worse by now…
but still, I know a shit-hole when I see one.
I would fall to my knees at the base of an old,
rusty toilet and vomit my guts out.
Then feel my way to the only other room in the place…
Trip or pass out, whichever came first…
And “sleep” the day away in a hot, dark room.
My life didn’t turn out so well…
Every morning I came back to this shit-hole I was staying in.
I was used to far worse by now…
but still, I know a shit-hole when I see one.
I would fall to my knees at the base of an old,
rusty toilet and vomit my guts out.
Then feel my way to the only other room in the place…
Trip or pass out, whichever came first…
And “sleep” the day away in a hot, dark room.
地獄的簡要總結畫報是我的生活
Page 2
And when I say “sleep”, what I mean is actually enduring a virtually endless string
of nightmares and flashbacks so horrible that any elaboration would frighten a
criminal psychologist. …But I’ll just say “sleep” to save space.
I woke up nearly every hour on the hour, shivering, exhausted, covered in cold sweat
and vomit from my arrival earlier that morning. And I would sit up when I awoke,
holding myself, trying to keep my body temperature high enough to keep my heart beating.
See, now, the shit-hole was freezing… ‘cause my dumbass had collapsed before
closing the door, so now what was once a goddamn inferno when I had arrived,
was now a goddamn freezer. A/C? Heh. Yeah. It was broken.
And I didn’t have the money to fix the piece of shit.
But I endured. I became numb, physically, mentally, emotionally.
My life had become a million times more testing than all of the boot camps
and prisons I’d been through combined.
But what got to me wasn’t the monotony.
It wasn’t the terrifying nightmares, the on and off “sleep cycle”, …it wasn’t the vomiting,
the gut-wrenching pain I always felt, the loneliness, the poor-as-fuckness,
the third-world living conditions, the occasional starvation, the sweating, the shivering,
or the fact that I had lost all hope.
The worst part of it all… was the memories – the awful fucking memories
that just wouldn’t go away.
And when I say “sleep”, what I mean is actually enduring a virtually endless string
of nightmares and flashbacks so horrible that any elaboration would frighten a
criminal psychologist. …But I’ll just say “sleep” to save space.
I woke up nearly every hour on the hour, shivering, exhausted, covered in cold sweat
and vomit from my arrival earlier that morning. And I would sit up when I awoke,
holding myself, trying to keep my body temperature high enough to keep my heart beating.
See, now, the shit-hole was freezing… ‘cause my dumbass had collapsed before
closing the door, so now what was once a goddamn inferno when I had arrived,
was now a goddamn freezer. A/C? Heh. Yeah. It was broken.
And I didn’t have the money to fix the piece of shit.
But I endured. I became numb, physically, mentally, emotionally.
My life had become a million times more testing than all of the boot camps
and prisons I’d been through combined.
But what got to me wasn’t the monotony.
It wasn’t the terrifying nightmares, the on and off “sleep cycle”, …it wasn’t the vomiting,
the gut-wrenching pain I always felt, the loneliness, the poor-as-fuckness,
the third-world living conditions, the occasional starvation, the sweating, the shivering,
or the fact that I had lost all hope.
The worst part of it all… was the memories – the awful fucking memories
that just wouldn’t go away.
Page 3
See… my life wasn’t always like this…
There was a time, long ago, when I had a normal life; a good life. I had a spotless record – heh. Yeah. Even me.
I was making straight-A’s in school –well, mostly. I had a car, a decent job for a kid my age. I had a girlfriend who loved me more than life itself… and I loved her just the same.
We spent a year together. We did everything… together. We shared our first kisses… together.
I was going to go to the Air Force Academy. I was going to be a fighter pilot. I was going to make a difference. That was my first dream.
But shit happens.
One of my JROTC instructors got his dick all outta joint –started to hate me. He told me I pushed the physical training team too hard. He told me a lot of things. I was threatened with expulsion from the program three times, just ‘cause I was the best, I was a better teacher than they were, and they hated it. Their jealousy got to them. Typical.
But it wasn’t the only bump in the road.
See… my life wasn’t always like this…
There was a time, long ago, when I had a normal life; a good life. I had a spotless record – heh. Yeah. Even me.
I was making straight-A’s in school –well, mostly. I had a car, a decent job for a kid my age. I had a girlfriend who loved me more than life itself… and I loved her just the same.
We spent a year together. We did everything… together. We shared our first kisses… together.
I was going to go to the Air Force Academy. I was going to be a fighter pilot. I was going to make a difference. That was my first dream.
But shit happens.
One of my JROTC instructors got his dick all outta joint –started to hate me. He told me I pushed the physical training team too hard. He told me a lot of things. I was threatened with expulsion from the program three times, just ‘cause I was the best, I was a better teacher than they were, and they hated it. Their jealousy got to them. Typical.
But it wasn’t the only bump in the road.
Page 4
Then came the speed trap, the pot hole, and the tire spikes.
Boom! “Slow down, son.”
“Not everyone’s like you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I’ll demote you!”
“I’m warning you!”
“Is that attitude?!”
“Don’t you ask ME questions!”
“That’s it!”
One by one, my teachers began to hate me because of my abilities. Some did their damnedest to fail me. Some gave up… Others… did fail me.
I started living, more or less, at the library, my car, in a creek I’d found, or at my girlfriend’s house. It got tough.
Boom!!
Then the fighting between my divorced mother and father escalated. My sister’s bitchiness shot through the roof when she – all at the same time – hit puberty, became anorexic and bulimic, decided she hated everyone, and began to steal everything I had – be it money, homework, or anything else she could grab from my room and break.
The house became a war zone. There was never a quiet moment. There was always a fight. I was usually the one that those two bitch-whores took out all their anger and sadness and immaturity on. I left.
My mother, being the psychopathic control-freak, insecure, chronic liar, NAZI, demon from Hell that I soon realized she was, made it her life’s work to call the cops on me every week, send the cops to my friends’ and girlfriend’s homes all the time, destroy my now abandoned room, blame every mess and lost item on me (even though my sister had done it all and in many cases had been caught), and physically attack me randomly whenever I was unfortunate enough to have to return to the house for a shower or a piss.
Her excuse for the behavior? Lies; “He’s violent.” “He ran away!” “He stole my [whatever]!” Cough, Bullshit!
Then came the speed trap, the pot hole, and the tire spikes.
Boom! “Slow down, son.”
“Not everyone’s like you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I’ll demote you!”
“I’m warning you!”
“Is that attitude?!”
“Don’t you ask ME questions!”
“That’s it!”
One by one, my teachers began to hate me because of my abilities. Some did their damnedest to fail me. Some gave up… Others… did fail me.
I started living, more or less, at the library, my car, in a creek I’d found, or at my girlfriend’s house. It got tough.
Boom!!
Then the fighting between my divorced mother and father escalated. My sister’s bitchiness shot through the roof when she – all at the same time – hit puberty, became anorexic and bulimic, decided she hated everyone, and began to steal everything I had – be it money, homework, or anything else she could grab from my room and break.
The house became a war zone. There was never a quiet moment. There was always a fight. I was usually the one that those two bitch-whores took out all their anger and sadness and immaturity on. I left.
My mother, being the psychopathic control-freak, insecure, chronic liar, NAZI, demon from Hell that I soon realized she was, made it her life’s work to call the cops on me every week, send the cops to my friends’ and girlfriend’s homes all the time, destroy my now abandoned room, blame every mess and lost item on me (even though my sister had done it all and in many cases had been caught), and physically attack me randomly whenever I was unfortunate enough to have to return to the house for a shower or a piss.
Her excuse for the behavior? Lies; “He’s violent.” “He ran away!” “He stole my [whatever]!” Cough, Bullshit!
Page 5
But of course, the cops sided with her just ‘cause she’s older. Fuckin’ pigs.
And I ended up in handcuffs or jail pretty frequently – despite the fact that I was still a shining example of a model son, citizen, and soon-to-be soldier –o that the only “evidence” against me was my equally evil sister’s supporting lies. Fuckin’ family.
Eventually… I lost my baby-girl, too. “I don’t want to lose you, but…” And my world fell apart. Boom!!!
The harassment by my mother and the pigs, her parents (racist drunks, literally on both counts), and several horny, prepubescent losers (chinks and punks paid off by my mother, I discovered), all added up. One by one, I lost.. every.. single.. friend.. I had.
“It’s not you. It’s just your mom. We can’t get any sleep. The cops are always here. You know how it is. We’re sorry. You’re a wonderful boy. But you can’t come back. It causes too much trouble.”
“I’ll miss you, man.”
“We’ll miss you, dude.”
“Keep it real.”
“I’m really sorry about my folks…”
– “Keep in touch.” –
How many times was I told that shit?
Fuck. Too many times… Every time.
I cried for days, locked in my bathroom. The whole time, the two bitch-whores played dumb, tried to break in, tried to threaten me out, tormented me, called my girlfriend every name in the book, teased me.
I finally snapped.
But of course, the cops sided with her just ‘cause she’s older. Fuckin’ pigs.
And I ended up in handcuffs or jail pretty frequently – despite the fact that I was still a shining example of a model son, citizen, and soon-to-be soldier –o that the only “evidence” against me was my equally evil sister’s supporting lies. Fuckin’ family.
Eventually… I lost my baby-girl, too. “I don’t want to lose you, but…” And my world fell apart. Boom!!!
The harassment by my mother and the pigs, her parents (racist drunks, literally on both counts), and several horny, prepubescent losers (chinks and punks paid off by my mother, I discovered), all added up. One by one, I lost.. every.. single.. friend.. I had.
“It’s not you. It’s just your mom. We can’t get any sleep. The cops are always here. You know how it is. We’re sorry. You’re a wonderful boy. But you can’t come back. It causes too much trouble.”
“I’ll miss you, man.”
“We’ll miss you, dude.”
“Keep it real.”
“I’m really sorry about my folks…”
– “Keep in touch.” –
How many times was I told that shit?
Fuck. Too many times… Every time.
I cried for days, locked in my bathroom. The whole time, the two bitch-whores played dumb, tried to break in, tried to threaten me out, tormented me, called my girlfriend every name in the book, teased me.
I finally snapped.
Page 6
I had lost everything. My grades, my friends, my love, her family – the only real family I’d ever had, my job (the depression took its toll), my home (I couldn’t stay – not with those demons), my security (the cops never did leave me alone at that point), and my dad.
Even though he and I had recently made up after eight years of me treating him like shit (I’d been brainwashed by my lying mother to hate him since I was six), he was 1,600 miles away, living on the other side of the country. What could he do? He talked to me for hours on the phone, he offered me the kindest, most forgiving, and supportive words… and I owed him and thanked him so much.
But it didn’t change a thing.
I had lost all sense of purpose. Everyone I loved was gone, all because some stupid bitch had gotten jealous of them, and cowards calling themselves police officers blindly sided with her, never once reading me, looking into my eyes, or seeing reason.
My mother was Satan.
There was no other explanation.
That many people, with educations, training, and experience, couldn’t possibly have unanimously made the same insane decision to side with her outrageous, blatant accusations and unwarranted harassment. She had some sort of influence over them – and it didn’t come from any money (although that was certainly the means she used to corrupt and enlist my classmates as minions).
As the nightmares began for the very first time, I lost my ticket into the academy. My best friends moved away. And somehow, when I thought things just couldn’t get any worse, they did.
This became the trend in my life. Fuckin’ life.
I suffered my senior year in high school after all that shit had gone down. I barely graduated, believe it or not. Straight-A’s crashed and burned into nearly straight-F’s. What’s the point when no one at all will listen or make logical decisions? There is no point. Let go. And I did.
I had lost everything. My grades, my friends, my love, her family – the only real family I’d ever had, my job (the depression took its toll), my home (I couldn’t stay – not with those demons), my security (the cops never did leave me alone at that point), and my dad.
Even though he and I had recently made up after eight years of me treating him like shit (I’d been brainwashed by my lying mother to hate him since I was six), he was 1,600 miles away, living on the other side of the country. What could he do? He talked to me for hours on the phone, he offered me the kindest, most forgiving, and supportive words… and I owed him and thanked him so much.
But it didn’t change a thing.
I had lost all sense of purpose. Everyone I loved was gone, all because some stupid bitch had gotten jealous of them, and cowards calling themselves police officers blindly sided with her, never once reading me, looking into my eyes, or seeing reason.
My mother was Satan.
There was no other explanation.
That many people, with educations, training, and experience, couldn’t possibly have unanimously made the same insane decision to side with her outrageous, blatant accusations and unwarranted harassment. She had some sort of influence over them – and it didn’t come from any money (although that was certainly the means she used to corrupt and enlist my classmates as minions).
As the nightmares began for the very first time, I lost my ticket into the academy. My best friends moved away. And somehow, when I thought things just couldn’t get any worse, they did.
This became the trend in my life. Fuckin’ life.
I suffered my senior year in high school after all that shit had gone down. I barely graduated, believe it or not. Straight-A’s crashed and burned into nearly straight-F’s. What’s the point when no one at all will listen or make logical decisions? There is no point. Let go. And I did.
Page 7
Somehow, I managed to get accepted into a university and their officer training program. I didn’t get the scholarships I could have – had my mother not paid the world to fuck my life over – but I did get a scholarship; one from the Air Force, ironically.
So I went to college.
And found out how easy, and boring, and ridiculous it was, too.
My freshman year in officer training was just a big waste of time – nothing more than a goddamn stress test by a hundred retarded rich kids put in charge by their predecessors and the local power vacuum.
My motivation, my humanity, my spirit… were long, long gone.
I hated life now. I hated it. And I hated everyone else, too –except, maybe, my dad. But I knew I couldn’t even trust him. He had fucked the same woman that was now the cause of their divorce and my living hell.
Billions of fears and doubts and questions faced through my traumatized, over-stressed, sleepless, lonely, exhausted mind each night for another year.
My insides were constantly tense, jumpy, nervous, angry, sad – no; depressed – and I… I was dying. I was too homesick – for my girlfriend’s home – too betrayed… to go on.
All I did was work, study, exercise until I literally passed out, over-ate to get big and buff again. Depression along with homelessness and an awful disease, not to mention scar tissue on the disease-fighting spleen, can slim a guy down.
…You know; just abused myself. Kept my mind and body busy enough to just barely block out the growing hellish pain I’d repressed for the past… three years now. …Damn.
Somehow, I managed to get accepted into a university and their officer training program. I didn’t get the scholarships I could have – had my mother not paid the world to fuck my life over – but I did get a scholarship; one from the Air Force, ironically.
So I went to college.
And found out how easy, and boring, and ridiculous it was, too.
My freshman year in officer training was just a big waste of time – nothing more than a goddamn stress test by a hundred retarded rich kids put in charge by their predecessors and the local power vacuum.
My motivation, my humanity, my spirit… were long, long gone.
I hated life now. I hated it. And I hated everyone else, too –except, maybe, my dad. But I knew I couldn’t even trust him. He had fucked the same woman that was now the cause of their divorce and my living hell.
Billions of fears and doubts and questions faced through my traumatized, over-stressed, sleepless, lonely, exhausted mind each night for another year.
My insides were constantly tense, jumpy, nervous, angry, sad – no; depressed – and I… I was dying. I was too homesick – for my girlfriend’s home – too betrayed… to go on.
All I did was work, study, exercise until I literally passed out, over-ate to get big and buff again. Depression along with homelessness and an awful disease, not to mention scar tissue on the disease-fighting spleen, can slim a guy down.
…You know; just abused myself. Kept my mind and body busy enough to just barely block out the growing hellish pain I’d repressed for the past… three years now. …Damn.
Page 8
It took time…
A FUCKLOAD of time.
Nearly seven years more
to be exact.
But eventually, despite countless sleepless nights, silent crying, nervous breakdowns, and occasional attempts at finding me by “the dragon”
(what I’d come to call Satan, my mother, as it was noted in the Bible), I was now stronger, faster, smarter, tougher, and deadlier than ever before.
My new motivation: NEVER AGAIN.
NEVER EVER again would I lose someone I loved – no matter what. Never would I watch someone suffer at the hands of evil – even if evil was a woman, a child, or a fucking pig.
Never would I fail, lose, give in, give up, trust, or be vulnerable.
The intensity, the endless hatred and rage, pulsed and pumped through me – like white-hot hellfire. It was my fuel. It kept me warm. It focused my efforts. It guided me. It reminded me. And the continuing nightmares helped.
I turned into a killing machine; a savior of the damned; a fallen angel risen again to avenge.
My pain warped into hate, which turned into fuel, which gave me more strength than I’d ever had before – infinite strength.
It took time…
A FUCKLOAD of time.
Nearly seven years more
to be exact.
But eventually, despite countless sleepless nights, silent crying, nervous breakdowns, and occasional attempts at finding me by “the dragon”
(what I’d come to call Satan, my mother, as it was noted in the Bible), I was now stronger, faster, smarter, tougher, and deadlier than ever before.
My new motivation: NEVER AGAIN.
NEVER EVER again would I lose someone I loved – no matter what. Never would I watch someone suffer at the hands of evil – even if evil was a woman, a child, or a fucking pig.
Never would I fail, lose, give in, give up, trust, or be vulnerable.
The intensity, the endless hatred and rage, pulsed and pumped through me – like white-hot hellfire. It was my fuel. It kept me warm. It focused my efforts. It guided me. It reminded me. And the continuing nightmares helped.
I turned into a killing machine; a savior of the damned; a fallen angel risen again to avenge.
My pain warped into hate, which turned into fuel, which gave me more strength than I’d ever had before – infinite strength.
NEVER
Page 9
I spent a lot of those years surfing the web, passing through bars, crashing at new “friends’ “ houses – learning… categorizing… figuring things out.
One day… it all came together in my mind. I discovered the sole human purpose, and all my questions suddenly answered themselves.
Good & bad lost all meaning.
In fact, a lot of things, ridiculous things that no one had ever really thought about before (enough to make sense out of and attempt to justify), lost all meaning.
No longer bound by my initial brainwashing, my confidence skyrocketed. I pimped my way through all the bars and chatrooms and clubs with the greatest of ease – having complete understanding of both the male and female minds. I never revealed my secret; my newfound knowledge. No one ever realized it, either – but, then again, who would?! Who could?
Every free moment I had in college was spent fucking and adventuring, getting into the most brutal of fights and half the time just losing on purpose to experience some new level of pain. My excuse? Boredom.
The world now was so boring that I had to make my own fun – and that meant stimulus – extreme stimulus in my case – more specifically: adrenalin-soaked, mind-numbing pain-style fun.
I spent a lot of those years surfing the web, passing through bars, crashing at new “friends’ “ houses – learning… categorizing… figuring things out.
One day… it all came together in my mind. I discovered the sole human purpose, and all my questions suddenly answered themselves.
Good & bad lost all meaning.
In fact, a lot of things, ridiculous things that no one had ever really thought about before (enough to make sense out of and attempt to justify), lost all meaning.
No longer bound by my initial brainwashing, my confidence skyrocketed. I pimped my way through all the bars and chatrooms and clubs with the greatest of ease – having complete understanding of both the male and female minds. I never revealed my secret; my newfound knowledge. No one ever realized it, either – but, then again, who would?! Who could?
Every free moment I had in college was spent fucking and adventuring, getting into the most brutal of fights and half the time just losing on purpose to experience some new level of pain. My excuse? Boredom.
The world now was so boring that I had to make my own fun – and that meant stimulus – extreme stimulus in my case – more specifically: adrenalin-soaked, mind-numbing pain-style fun.
Page 10
My 22nd birthday came and went…
I was, by average standards, truly insane now. I flowed through the harsh reality of life on this planet like an invisible drop of water through the vast ignorant ocean of the close-minded, the unaware, the weak.
I was now a wolf… in a world full of sheep.
And, as a wolf, also as in compliance with my basic urges which I was now fully self-aware of and in control of, …I began to seek out another of my kind; a wolf… a mate.
The thought of the possibility of another like myself – even better; a female like myself – truly aroused my senses – a very hard thing to do now.
The thought of finding her, fucking her, sharing the newfound hope from knowing we both existed, so similar, so perfect… It was almost too much.
Well… of course… I did eventually find “her”. In fact… I found a few of her, along with about a dozen ‘hims’.
Wolves.
We talked. We partied, rejoicing in our union. We had orgies, fucking the time away… and it was bliss; heaven.
But, as I’m sure each of us expected…
My 22nd birthday came and went…
I was, by average standards, truly insane now. I flowed through the harsh reality of life on this planet like an invisible drop of water through the vast ignorant ocean of the close-minded, the unaware, the weak.
I was now a wolf… in a world full of sheep.
And, as a wolf, also as in compliance with my basic urges which I was now fully self-aware of and in control of, …I began to seek out another of my kind; a wolf… a mate.
The thought of the possibility of another like myself – even better; a female like myself – truly aroused my senses – a very hard thing to do now.
The thought of finding her, fucking her, sharing the newfound hope from knowing we both existed, so similar, so perfect… It was almost too much.
Well… of course… I did eventually find “her”. In fact… I found a few of her, along with about a dozen ‘hims’.
Wolves.
We talked. We partied, rejoicing in our union. We had orgies, fucking the time away… and it was bliss; heaven.
But, as I’m sure each of us expected…
Page 11
The fate that is life caught up with us.
We were forced apart, if not in contact then in distance, by safety needs, money needs, or any other of a handful of unfortunate and typical reasons you might surmise.
We said our goodbyes.
Fucked our last fucks together.
And went our separate, lonely, miserable, boring ways again.
Driving off into the sunset…
All of us in the dark about each of our true names and new locations for all of our safety; one of us could be tortured for information otherwise, and that just couldn’t be risked. Not now, not ever. We protected our own; each other, just like anyone else would… Only we did it like ‘ghost’ mercenaries. It’s not like the world gave us a choice.
We promised to use the usual means to stay in touch and get back together as much as possible. That was all we could hope for.
The fate that is life caught up with us.
We were forced apart, if not in contact then in distance, by safety needs, money needs, or any other of a handful of unfortunate and typical reasons you might surmise.
We said our goodbyes.
Fucked our last fucks together.
And went our separate, lonely, miserable, boring ways again.
Driving off into the sunset…
All of us in the dark about each of our true names and new locations for all of our safety; one of us could be tortured for information otherwise, and that just couldn’t be risked. Not now, not ever. We protected our own; each other, just like anyone else would… Only we did it like ‘ghost’ mercenaries. It’s not like the world gave us a choice.
We promised to use the usual means to stay in touch and get back together as much as possible. That was all we could hope for.
Page 12
What about my lost love??
What about my friends??
My past life, or, rather, lives?
Well, I did eventually get back in touch with them all. We got back together, told our stories – mine being 90% bullshit so as not to scare them with reality – hugged, caught up (minus the bullshit cover story), and did our thing.
But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as magical, as special, as I had once dreamed and prayed it would be.
See, my girlfriend… she was still beautiful in so many ways; innocent, loving, the ideal mother-figure, and too physically beautiful for words…
But she was still a sheep, still weak by my new standards.
We were forced apart before, but… we could have fought more – loved and lived in secret longer…
She chose not to – for a large part because she told me she couldn’t stand for me to go through all that for her… but…
Would she do it again? Would she choose to be a slave, someone’s bitch, to live without her true love again?
I couldn’t be sure. She hadn’t grown like I had since that painful summer in high school. She had had her loving family to fall back on. I hadn’t. All I had had was time alone. Truly alone.
I now missed my “wolf” brothers and sisters far more than I had ever missed her. This baffled me at first, but made sense. The gut pains returned. I didn’t know what to think. My muscles twitched in confusion.
What about my lost love??
What about my friends??
My past life, or, rather, lives?
Well, I did eventually get back in touch with them all. We got back together, told our stories – mine being 90% bullshit so as not to scare them with reality – hugged, caught up (minus the bullshit cover story), and did our thing.
But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as magical, as special, as I had once dreamed and prayed it would be.
See, my girlfriend… she was still beautiful in so many ways; innocent, loving, the ideal mother-figure, and too physically beautiful for words…
But she was still a sheep, still weak by my new standards.
We were forced apart before, but… we could have fought more – loved and lived in secret longer…
She chose not to – for a large part because she told me she couldn’t stand for me to go through all that for her… but…
Would she do it again? Would she choose to be a slave, someone’s bitch, to live without her true love again?
I couldn’t be sure. She hadn’t grown like I had since that painful summer in high school. She had had her loving family to fall back on. I hadn’t. All I had had was time alone. Truly alone.
I now missed my “wolf” brothers and sisters far more than I had ever missed her. This baffled me at first, but made sense. The gut pains returned. I didn’t know what to think. My muscles twitched in confusion.
Page 13
I cried out “GOD!!”
Tears streamed down my face once more after so, so long.
“God, why?! Why did you torment me so?! I’ve suffered and endured for so long and for what?! To lose everyone I love three times over?! What the fuck is that, God?!”
I fell to my knees in overwhelming anger and defeat.
“I prayed to you every night and day for years!!”
I shook, my fists clenched. I had lost it again. Funny thing was, though: even these nervous breakdowns were boring now, too. I knew exactly what was about to happen. It was textbook.
I finished another long, pointless argument with God.
I hung my head, knowing I would probably get another couple highly coincidental “signs” like shooting stars or vivid dreams with visitations from God or his angels, offering advice and hope – but nothing ever came of those things. Nothing.
Nothing.
The pattern of Hell-life just continued.
On and on…
And on…
I could only hope to either see my “wolves” again one day… or to die at last. Ohhh… to die…
I cried out “GOD!!”
Tears streamed down my face once more after so, so long.
“God, why?! Why did you torment me so?! I’ve suffered and endured for so long and for what?! To lose everyone I love three times over?! What the fuck is that, God?!”
I fell to my knees in overwhelming anger and defeat.
“I prayed to you every night and day for years!!”
I shook, my fists clenched. I had lost it again. Funny thing was, though: even these nervous breakdowns were boring now, too. I knew exactly what was about to happen. It was textbook.
I finished another long, pointless argument with God.
I hung my head, knowing I would probably get another couple highly coincidental “signs” like shooting stars or vivid dreams with visitations from God or his angels, offering advice and hope – but nothing ever came of those things. Nothing.
Nothing.
The pattern of Hell-life just continued.
On and on…
And on…
I could only hope to either see my “wolves” again one day… or to die at last. Ohhh… to die…
Page 14
My thoughts were cut short by the alarm clock.
Time for work.
I worked evenings and nights now. Fewer people that way. Most are afraid of the night. You know how it goes.
Now, this is my Hell; this point in my life. This level of my thoughts.
I want to die so badly… but then again… I don’t. I can’t stand the thought of leaving anyone behind – leaving them like I had been left way back when.
No… No, I could never do that.
But… but what could I do?
I’m helpless and alone again after all these years, all those adventures, all this pain.
No matter who I meet now, I know exactly what will happen, what will be said… done… felt… thought… and lost.
…I’m going to see the doctor today. I think I have cancer. There’s a lump under my skin… just over my groin and to the side.
I don’t know if God is finally going to kill me with it – this possible cancer – or if it’s just another false alarm… Just another test… I don’t care.
Either way, cancer or no cancer, the likelihood of being reunited for good with my Wolves in this life or after… is slim to none – at least, that’s what experience tells me.
Fuck it.
I just want this crap over with.
Let’s see what doc has in store for me…
Hm… Interesting; fear. A sensation… A feeling.
I didn’t know I could still feel.
Shit.
Oh well.
Whatever.
Back into Hell.
The end?
My thoughts were cut short by the alarm clock.
Time for work.
I worked evenings and nights now. Fewer people that way. Most are afraid of the night. You know how it goes.
Now, this is my Hell; this point in my life. This level of my thoughts.
I want to die so badly… but then again… I don’t. I can’t stand the thought of leaving anyone behind – leaving them like I had been left way back when.
No… No, I could never do that.
But… but what could I do?
I’m helpless and alone again after all these years, all those adventures, all this pain.
No matter who I meet now, I know exactly what will happen, what will be said… done… felt… thought… and lost.
…I’m going to see the doctor today. I think I have cancer. There’s a lump under my skin… just over my groin and to the side.
I don’t know if God is finally going to kill me with it – this possible cancer – or if it’s just another false alarm… Just another test… I don’t care.
Either way, cancer or no cancer, the likelihood of being reunited for good with my Wolves in this life or after… is slim to none – at least, that’s what experience tells me.
Fuck it.
I just want this crap over with.
Let’s see what doc has in store for me…
Hm… Interesting; fear. A sensation… A feeling.
I didn’t know I could still feel.
Shit.
Oh well.
Whatever.
Back into Hell.
The end?